Picking up where I left it

 

 

Almost a year since I stepped away from this project.  I thought this film of my Dad was going to be the next step in a long series of steps.  He was already ill when I shot this, we all knew really but it wasn't something any of us cared to dwell on. I forgot to put my lights in the car so the natural light gradually fades. Towards the end, Dad is in shadow though he isn't raging against the fading of the light. He is tired, and he has had enough. Dad would have built his workshop by now, unrestrained by self doubt. He pragmatically just got on with most things, building his house, supporting his family, and eventually dying with dignity and the least possible fuss.  I've watched the film a few times since his leaving and of course I did the edit so I have constructed the narrative.  I'm not sure I can watch it today, it's not that I'm trying to move on its just that this film was supposed to be the next post I was going to make in a line that got broken, an unraveling.  In a sad way it was trying to scratch into how Dad ever got the confidence to design and build his own house. I was struggling to get started on my workshop and wanted to catch a dose of his 'no time like the present' force of will.

Nine months since he died and the idea that grieving is a process becomes more and more of a reality.  This writing and the eventual making was intended to be about building a new identity and coming out of the deep dark underbelly of completing my PhD.  Perhaps the concept that the writing and building was identity work, got wrapped up with grief and spurned a need to escape from practice for a while.  In moments it was liberating to feel honestly and unapologetically that I have little to offer and nothing to lose by dropping the end thread of a practice that has recently become a little slack. 

Change is coming; I finish my last piece of funded work on Saturday.  This project will be all there is that could be conjured as a practice after that. I find it hard to believe I haven't done anything for a year.  This isn't like me, though I haven't been feeling myself.